Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Setbacks, Poetry, And Other Stuff

      So, sorry for writing my blog late again. The school thing still has me messed up, and it's been a pretty bad setback. But on the bright side, I'm volunteering at the barn and have started writing poetry! I made a new blog for the poetry, here's the link Battle Of A Girl With PTSD Poetry.

      I am pretty good at writing poetry, and the new therapy I'm doing is helping a lot. The equine therapy is really working, so, yeah, that's all I can think of to write. Oh, yeah, also, check out the new survey I put out and vote on it, your opinion is appreciated! 


Friday, 11 April 2014

You Can't Choose To Be Happy

      So, I was using Pinterest (one of my favorite things to do since I discovered it), and I was looking up quotes about PTSD. So, while I was looking up these quotes, I found one that said 'No, it doesn't work that way. I can't just wake up one day, say "Oh, I wanna be happy" and be happy. Believe me, I've tried.' It doesn't work that way with PTSD and any other mental illnesses.

      I found tons of good quotes for people with PTSD, and these are two of my favorite quotes. "To be hurt, to feel lost. To be left out in the dark, to be kicked when you're down. To feel like you're being pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down. And no one's there to save you, no, you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life." I don't know who the author is for that on. "It sucks, you know. When everything is doing fine, then it all crashes again? And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it back together again, but I have to." Don't know the author for that one either.

      So as you can see, it's hard to be happy when you have a mental illness like PTSD. The last time I can remember being happy, was last week, at my riding lesson, when Winter and I did our first flying lead change (hopefully will get video next lesson). But something else happened this week, and sapped the happiness away.

      My friend wanted to go to the park, so we were going to go to the only park on our street. Only problem with that is, the park is at the school that had the teacher that caused my PTSD. I reluctantly agreed to go, and I mainly agreed to go because I hadn't seen my friend for about three or four days. So we went to the park, and five kids I knew from that school that had been in my class were there. Luckily, they only said hi to me.

      Then my friend and I saw the janitor, he walked out of the building, but all I could see was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher. I automatically started freaking out, and started asking my friend if she wanted to leave the park. She didn't want to leave the park yet, and didn't understand why I was so anxious to leave the park. About ten minutes later, we left the park, and I explained what happened to her.

       The same thing happened a month or two ago when my mom had a meeting. I was sitting in the lobby, playing on my iPad and reading my book, and this man walks in. He was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher, so I freaked out quietly for a few minutes, then attempted to calm myself down. Luckily, the man left after five minutes.

        As you can see, if I see a taller man with grey hair, I will automatically freak out. I also freak out when something unexpected happens, once, I was at school eating lunch with my friends, and a girl I know decided to sneak up on me. She didn't know I had PTSD, so she thought it would be funny to sneak up on me and see my reaction. She didn't expect me to jump up in the air because I got seriously freaked out. She then continued to laugh at me and explain how I shouldn't have freaked out because it was obvious she was there. But I hadn't known she was there because I was busy talking to my friends, who then told her off for sneaking up on me and laughing about it.

      That's all for this week, and instead of giving you a link to a music video, I will be providing a video of me singing Brave by Sara Bareilles. Also, here is a link to the facebook page I made for Battle Of A Girl With PTSD Facebook Page.


Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Some Of My Secrets Revealed

      So, I told you I would reveal more about my past and why I keep my secrets for so long in this post, so I'l just get straight to it. I keep wanting to tell my closest and most trusted friends my secrets and the rest of my past, but my mind shuts down my voice before I have the chance to say a word about them. My mind is so kind, isn't it? Just kidding! It's good for keeping secrets from people I don't want to share with, but not good when I'm finally ready to share them.

      Luckily, one of the few ways to reveal my secrets without my mind shutting me down is to type them out. So you get to learn the remaining bits of my past and a few of my secrets because of that reason! So here we go, finally getting this stuff out in the open! Yep, pretty exciting for me, but I'm guessing you're also excited to learn some new stuff about me! I'll start with the remains of my past that are locked away in my mind (no, they do not have anything to do with my PTSD, well, one thing is from around that time, but didn't contribute). I will write if it's before the event that caused PTSD, at the time the PTSD would be starting, or if it's after I have left the place that gave me PTSD.

      Before PTSD: My first school, it was a quiet private school, with not that many people and nice uniforms. Yeah, I think I was one of the few kids that liked the uniforms. But on to the important parts of this paragraph, this school was where I first got bullied. You're probably asking why a quiet person like me got bullied, but I also wasn't as quiet back then. Sure, I was a bit quiet, but I would go up to people and introduce myself and invite them to join my friends and myself. That rarely happens anymore, but I'll continue the story.

      I hated the bullying, and my closest friend would stick with me an defend me (I wasn't the best at defence then). I tried to befriend the bully, but my plan backfired. Some of my friends refused to hang out with me because I tried to turn the bully into a friend. When I told my friends I was trying to befriend the bully, they promptly left the lunch table in search of one far from me. Guess they forgot the Golden Rule (which I was trying to use on the bully), 'Treat others as you want to be treated'.

      Later that year, the bully left the school, and all returned to normal (not PTSD yet, that comes at the second school). There were other incidents that made me lose confidence, and started what I call, 'Micah's Do Everything As Quick As You Can' problem. I wasn't supposed to have homework (special exemption because homework is too stressful for me, along with Roman Numerals, had an exemption for those, too), yet I would still get given homework. Then I would get in trouble for doing the homework as quickly as I could while getting ready to go home.

      And there is the explanation for why I always do things so quickly. I've been told to slow down while working, while I'm walking (I occasionally will talk faster, but not often), typing something up, reading, pretty much for whatever I'm doing, I do quickly. But not around horses (unless I'm late, but that's different), horses always manage to keep me going at the perfect pace.

      Around a year or at the same time PTSD was starting up: This is about how I was betrayed by many people all in the same few years (rough estimate, not sure which of these friendship/trust betrayals came first). I'll start with the first betrayal, it was on of my closest friends at the second school,  we'll call them... Yeah, I don't know what name I should give them, so each person will be Traitor then a number.

      So, this is the story of the first betrayal by Traitor 1, Traitor 1 quickly befriended me. They weren't as popular as the other kids, but then again, I wasn't really either. We got along well, and after a few months, they started up with lies. They would lie about things, if I said I had something, they had it, but then their sibling accidentally ruined it, so it got thrown out. Then lying about loving the same things I did, things like horses, wolves, movies, books, etc.

      Then one day, I walked over to say hi, and I was ignored. When they finally decided to talk to me, all they told me was that we weren't friends anymore, and that I wasn't allowed to hang out with them anymore. Feeling rejected and used (and I had been used, trust me), I searched for a new group of friends. And I found a new group in mere minutes, and it was great! They were a diverse group, and they all got along so well!

       Then Traitor 1 decided I was allowed to hang out with them and be their friend again, and I fell for it. The next day, the same thing happened, I got rejected. I fell for that a few more times, then I finally realized what was happening after being told by my closest friend in the new group. My new closest friend and I were a grade older than the rest of the group, and both suffered a harsh rejection. The rest of the group said it was for our own good, as we wouldn't be having the same recess anymore. It wasn't fun being kicked out of the only group that would accept the two of us, so you can probably figure out how I felt, being rejected again.

       Neither of us were happy, and we ended up hanging out alone with each other, as it seemed we would always be rejected. We became such close friends, and it was amazing! Neither of us ever rejected each other or used the other, and this was my first friend that invited me over to their house! That had never happened before, so I could tell we were true friends. Then PTSD happened, and I avoided school and we didn't really see each other anymore.

      Probably the summer after I left the second school: Enter Traitors 2, 3, 4, and 5. We were a tight group of friends, and we hung out nearly every day (we lived close enough for this to be possible), but none of us really went to the same school. Later they all ended up at the same school, but that's a different story for another day. Traitor 2 betrayed me first, bullying me and excluding me. Then Traitor 2 got one of the others to join him, hence the name Traitor 3 (Traitor 3 is now one of my closest friends, and told me they're side of the story, they were being by Traitor 2 also, but they thought if they copied Traitor 2, they would be safe).

        It was horrible, but I slowly adapted to leaving and just sitting on my front lawn crying. Later, Traitor 4 entered the picture. Traitor 4 was worse than Traitor 2 and Traitor 3 combined, so I was having a hard time adapting, the one other member of the group who got bullied like me would always leave with me. Soon, I got the harshest yelling at I had ever received. I went to visit my mom and dog, who were down at my house. Traitor 4 didn't know why I was walking away (I knew they wouldn't want to come with me), so apparently I "abandoned them" by going to say hi to my mom and dog. I mean, seriously? If you saw your mom and dog going out for a walk, would you not go over, say hi, and pet your dog?

       Yeah, I refused to hang out with Traitor 2 and 4, as Traitor 3 was quite nice when the others weren't around. Traitor 3 soon got tired of being pushed around, and joined me also. The remaining three of us got along just fine, until Traitor 5 began to emerge (see the pattern yet?). Traitor 5 decided to only care about their looks and status at school, so the group was reduced to two members.

      Traitor 3 was no longer Traitor 3, and we were such close friends. Traitor 1 was calling my house a lot, but I never picked up the phone, never fell for those tricks again, and I was safe, for a little bit. Traitor 4 was now continually coming to see if I wanted to hang out, and my friend and I would fall for the tricks. Constantly yelled at and used, I'd had enough of this. I came up with a great strategy, and I no longer worry about Traitor 4 coming to see me. I would always pretend to be busy, and it worked. You'd think they would notice that I was always busy when they came to visit, and would have to leave when they came and the one person and I were out.

      Thus marks the end of the Traitors, and as Traitor 3 was now a close friend, we still hang out even now. I will never forget these moments, and combined with the teacher that gave me PTSD, I'd say my trust would be super super hard to earn. Even now, my secrets rarely get told, these memories locked in my mind, trying to get out. This is the day those memories finally get set free, even if I'm not really speaking them to my friends, this is the best I can give them, unless they ask me about this, then they probably will get more information out of me. Here's the perfect song for this post, pretty much about finally telling your secrets and your past, Secrets by OneRepublic.

      PS: Sorry this post was so long, but it was needed.

The Rules I Follow

      My mom and I had an argument recently, she wanted to add new rules to the house. I quickly disagreed, and that was mainly because my brain likes to make up rules without consulting me. Trust me, my brain really likes to do things without making sure it's allowed to. My mom and I had gone shopping, and she had bought a cupcake for me. Next thing I know, my brain made a parody of 'The Monster' by Eminem and Rihanna, and then my brain made the lyrics 'I'm friends with the cupcake that's in my hand'. 

      So as you can tell, my mind and I don't always get along very well. But the rules my brain makes up are even worse than a parody about cupcakes. I follow such silly rules, but even if I didn't want to follow them, I would still end up following them. I'll tell you a few of the rules I follow, because if I wrote them all, it would fill this whole post.

      1. Wash your hands after eating anything with common allergens in it and stuff like that   2. If you see a spider, stay away from the spot where it was for at least two days   3. Try to always use even numbers, unless you're walking/running/horseback riding   4. Always follow the preset patterns and routines that your mind makes up, don't change them, ever   5. Keep your secrets for as long as possible, there's always people out there who are just fake friends   6. Trust is the hardest thing to gain, so don't give out trust until you've known the person for at least a year, then you are permitted to reveal your own past

      An those are six of my many rules, but I've saved one of my important ones. Why? Because it needs a whole paragraph to be explained. If you don't want to do something because it scares you or you know you can't do it, follow the Micah rules of Fight or Flight. You can either pretend to be sick and go home, or start arguing and insulting to hide how you really feel and make the other person so mad that they leave. Also, if a car or something is coming fast toward you, stop right where you are and quickly figure out what to do.

      See why I don't always trust my brain? It's not always reliable in situations, and it makes it nearly impossible to trust someone. Some of the people I trust the most still don't know my complete past, unless they were one of the few who was actually there during those bits. And you know what? I'm writing another post about me not revealing my whole past to people, and I'll even reveal it there (if I can...).

      So, I hope you understand me a bit more now, and I hope my mom reads the one paragraph that's two up, one of the most important rules. Mainly because my mom got arguing bit of that one, and I think she's upset and doesn't understand my actions. It's mainly because I've had my trust broken so much that it's hard to trust again. Here's the link to the song, Hercules by Sara Bareilles.