I'm sure you've heard the saying 'No pain no gain'. I find that this saying is completely untrue. I say this because after all the pain I've gone through, the only thing I gained was more pain and trust issues. Yeah, trust issues, it's made me super suspicious of people I don't know or people I barely know. That's probably why I've dropped out of Music Therapy and Art Therapy. I guess I was suspicious of the therapists and didn't realize it, and I guess if I'm suspicious/stressed I'm not able to function properly.
One day, I was crossing the parking lot at a grocery store, and this car came barreling at my mom and myself. My mom quickly walked into the middle of the road, and I froze right where I was. I was in a different lane than the speeding car, but there was a car going slower in the lane I was standing in. My mom ended up having to pull me beside her in the middle area between the lanes. Then I had to explain to my mom why I reacted like that.
I have a few different reactions to things that stress me out or are suspicious, 1) I stop what I'm doing, and don't move or talk until I'm sure I'm safe 2) I speed-walk away (this mainly happens when crossing roads/parking lots) 3) I will repeatedly say 'no', and eventually start yelling 'no', then will probably end up crying later 4) Continue what I'm doing, but don't speak and keep movements as quiet as possible. 5) Start crying, and quickly hide face or walk to my room (I don't like it when people see me crying). I mainly use reaction 4 at school, but it sometimes happens at other places. Reaction 3 primarily is me yelling 'no' at my mom because I'm stressed. Reaction 5 always happens at home, never out in public. Reaction 2 is when I'm walking with my mom or crossing busy roads/parking lots. Reaction 1 is rarely used, and is mainly used when someone I don't want to talk to starts talking to me (I will always be sitting during this reaction).
All of those reactions get used, some more than often, but they always come out when I need them, even if I don't want them. My friends that I've made have gone through the long periods of me figuring out if they're trustworthy, and those that get my full trust know pretty much everything about me. I only have 2-3 friends like that, they probably know who they are if they're reading this. But even now, my trust is really hard to earn. For some reason, I'm having even more trouble trusting people, but I never have problems trusting most animals.
I'm going to write a second post for today, and so sorry about being so late with the posts, very bad weeks. The second post will be up soon, and here's your song for this week, Demons by Imagine Dragons.