Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Far From Fine

      Sorry again about skipping last week's post, I seem to be getting more and more stressed out. I came up with the title for the post because it's how I've been feeling lately, far from fine. Whenever people ask me how I'm feeling, I pretty much always say "good" or "fine". That's what I always tell people, that I'm fine, but I only do it because I'm afraid of admitting the truth about how I'm feeling. If I told people I was stressed, they may not believe me, or laugh at me. I also don't like talking about how I'm feeling, it's just to hard to actually say how I'm feeling.

      My parents think I hate them, but I really don't. They think I hate them because I was really stressed out and I took it out on them. I yelled insults at them and refused to do anything that I was asked. I'm not very proud of that moment, and I really don't want it to happen again. I really don't hate them, it's just that stress will change my reactions to things.

      A few nights ago, I got blamed for something I didn't do, and that caused a LOT of stress. My mom accidentally spilled tea all over herself, and since I was the only person standing up and not sitting on the couch, my Dad blamed me. It made me really upset because he pretty much yelled at me "What did you do?!". I then quickly left the room and refused to speak for two and a half hours. I ended up crying three times in less than ten minutes, so I really didn't like that.

      The next day, I wasn't feeling well. I think that I was so stressed that I ended up making myself sick. I was so sick that I didn't eat my lunch until two-thirty, and all I had was a small bowl of rice and a small bowl of soup. The dinner I had wasn't very different, a bowl of soup and a strawberry milkshake.

      Today I'm still not feeling well, and I have to miss my riding lesson, but I still get to see Winter on Thursday at least. Also, I will be going into my third type of therapy next week! I will be doing equine therapy, but I will be doing ground work with the horses! I may be doing some liberty training but I'm not sure, but I really want to! Here are links for the place, Horse Spirit Connections Video, Horse Spirit Connections Webpage.

      Also, I forgot to mention the biggest news EVER!!!!!! This Wednesday (aka: tomorrow), I will be getting my hair dyed! I'm getting one colored streak, probably a red, green, or blue, and I'm really excited! I'll have to get my hair bleached if I want the color, but it's only one tiny streak, so I don't mind! My Mom doesn't mind either, when she was younger, she also dyed her hair, too! So yeah, I'm really excited for that! And that's it for this week's post, so here come's this week's song link, Flaws by Bastille.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Horses Are Like Mirrors

      I found an amazing quote earlier this week, and I've been thinking about it since I found it. "The horse is a mirror to the soul. Sometimes you might not like what you see. Sometimes you will." It was written by Buck Brannaman. It has me constantly thinking about Winter's personality and how he acts. This is the list I came up with about Winter.

      Winter is very loyal to his friends and those he trusts. Winter tries his hardest, even when he knows he can't do what he's been asked to do. Winter likes to see what he can get away with doing, he usually does little things to see if it works. Winter knows how to distract people from their stress, and how to cheer them up. If the horse is a mirror to the soul, Winter is a near perfect replica. He just doesn't go through the pain that I have, or experienced the trauma I have. That I know of, who knows what happened to Winter before he came to the barn.

      Winter is an amazing horse, and I am amazed at how he mirrors me. I have never had a closer bond with a horse, Winter is the first horse I have ever had this great of a connection with. He even doesn't mind when I put a bright colored fly-veil on his head. Speaking of which, my riding instructor, Linda, took a great picture of him, so here it is.

That's all for this post, and I'll hopefully post again next week. Here's the link for this week's song, Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson    The link is between the comma and this sentence, still haven't figured out how to get the link to show up.

No Pain No Gain

      I'm sure you've heard the saying 'No pain no gain'. I find that this saying is completely untrue. I say this because after all the pain I've gone through, the only thing I gained was more pain and trust issues. Yeah, trust issues, it's made me super suspicious of people I don't know or people I barely know. That's probably why I've dropped out of Music Therapy and Art Therapy. I guess I was suspicious of the therapists and didn't realize it, and I guess if I'm suspicious/stressed I'm not able to function properly.

     One day, I was crossing the parking lot at a grocery store, and this car came barreling at my mom and myself. My mom quickly walked into the middle of the road, and I froze right where I was. I was in a different lane than the speeding car, but there was a car going slower in the lane I was standing in. My mom ended up having to pull me beside her in the middle area between the lanes. Then I had to explain to my mom why I reacted like that.

      I have a few different reactions to things that stress me out or are suspicious, 1) I stop what I'm doing, and don't move or talk until I'm sure I'm safe 2) I speed-walk away (this mainly happens when crossing roads/parking lots) 3) I will repeatedly say 'no', and eventually start yelling 'no', then will probably end up crying later 4) Continue what I'm doing, but don't speak and keep movements as quiet as possible. 5) Start crying, and quickly hide face or walk to my room (I don't like it when people see me crying). I mainly use reaction 4 at school, but it sometimes happens at other places. Reaction 3 primarily is me yelling 'no' at my mom because I'm stressed. Reaction 5 always happens at home, never out in public. Reaction 2 is when I'm walking with my mom or crossing busy roads/parking lots. Reaction 1 is rarely used, and is mainly used when someone I don't want to talk to starts talking to me (I will always be sitting during this reaction).

      All of those reactions get used, some more than often, but they always come out when I need them, even if I don't want them. My friends that I've made have gone through the long periods of me figuring out if they're trustworthy, and those that get my full trust know pretty much everything about me. I only have 2-3 friends like that, they probably know who they are if they're reading this. But even now, my trust is really hard to earn. For some reason, I'm having even more trouble trusting people, but I never have problems trusting most animals.

      I'm going to write a second post for today, and so sorry about being so late with the posts, very bad weeks. The second post will be up soon, and here's your song for this week,  Demons by Imagine Dragons.