Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Setbacks, Poetry, And Other Stuff

      So, sorry for writing my blog late again. The school thing still has me messed up, and it's been a pretty bad setback. But on the bright side, I'm volunteering at the barn and have started writing poetry! I made a new blog for the poetry, here's the link Battle Of A Girl With PTSD Poetry.

      I am pretty good at writing poetry, and the new therapy I'm doing is helping a lot. The equine therapy is really working, so, yeah, that's all I can think of to write. Oh, yeah, also, check out the new survey I put out and vote on it, your opinion is appreciated! 


Friday, 11 April 2014

You Can't Choose To Be Happy

      So, I was using Pinterest (one of my favorite things to do since I discovered it), and I was looking up quotes about PTSD. So, while I was looking up these quotes, I found one that said 'No, it doesn't work that way. I can't just wake up one day, say "Oh, I wanna be happy" and be happy. Believe me, I've tried.' It doesn't work that way with PTSD and any other mental illnesses.

      I found tons of good quotes for people with PTSD, and these are two of my favorite quotes. "To be hurt, to feel lost. To be left out in the dark, to be kicked when you're down. To feel like you're being pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down. And no one's there to save you, no, you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life." I don't know who the author is for that on. "It sucks, you know. When everything is doing fine, then it all crashes again? And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it back together again, but I have to." Don't know the author for that one either.

      So as you can see, it's hard to be happy when you have a mental illness like PTSD. The last time I can remember being happy, was last week, at my riding lesson, when Winter and I did our first flying lead change (hopefully will get video next lesson). But something else happened this week, and sapped the happiness away.

      My friend wanted to go to the park, so we were going to go to the only park on our street. Only problem with that is, the park is at the school that had the teacher that caused my PTSD. I reluctantly agreed to go, and I mainly agreed to go because I hadn't seen my friend for about three or four days. So we went to the park, and five kids I knew from that school that had been in my class were there. Luckily, they only said hi to me.

      Then my friend and I saw the janitor, he walked out of the building, but all I could see was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher. I automatically started freaking out, and started asking my friend if she wanted to leave the park. She didn't want to leave the park yet, and didn't understand why I was so anxious to leave the park. About ten minutes later, we left the park, and I explained what happened to her.

       The same thing happened a month or two ago when my mom had a meeting. I was sitting in the lobby, playing on my iPad and reading my book, and this man walks in. He was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher, so I freaked out quietly for a few minutes, then attempted to calm myself down. Luckily, the man left after five minutes.

        As you can see, if I see a taller man with grey hair, I will automatically freak out. I also freak out when something unexpected happens, once, I was at school eating lunch with my friends, and a girl I know decided to sneak up on me. She didn't know I had PTSD, so she thought it would be funny to sneak up on me and see my reaction. She didn't expect me to jump up in the air because I got seriously freaked out. She then continued to laugh at me and explain how I shouldn't have freaked out because it was obvious she was there. But I hadn't known she was there because I was busy talking to my friends, who then told her off for sneaking up on me and laughing about it.

      That's all for this week, and instead of giving you a link to a music video, I will be providing a video of me singing Brave by Sara Bareilles. Also, here is a link to the facebook page I made for Battle Of A Girl With PTSD Facebook Page.


Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Some Of My Secrets Revealed

      So, I told you I would reveal more about my past and why I keep my secrets for so long in this post, so I'l just get straight to it. I keep wanting to tell my closest and most trusted friends my secrets and the rest of my past, but my mind shuts down my voice before I have the chance to say a word about them. My mind is so kind, isn't it? Just kidding! It's good for keeping secrets from people I don't want to share with, but not good when I'm finally ready to share them.

      Luckily, one of the few ways to reveal my secrets without my mind shutting me down is to type them out. So you get to learn the remaining bits of my past and a few of my secrets because of that reason! So here we go, finally getting this stuff out in the open! Yep, pretty exciting for me, but I'm guessing you're also excited to learn some new stuff about me! I'll start with the remains of my past that are locked away in my mind (no, they do not have anything to do with my PTSD, well, one thing is from around that time, but didn't contribute). I will write if it's before the event that caused PTSD, at the time the PTSD would be starting, or if it's after I have left the place that gave me PTSD.

      Before PTSD: My first school, it was a quiet private school, with not that many people and nice uniforms. Yeah, I think I was one of the few kids that liked the uniforms. But on to the important parts of this paragraph, this school was where I first got bullied. You're probably asking why a quiet person like me got bullied, but I also wasn't as quiet back then. Sure, I was a bit quiet, but I would go up to people and introduce myself and invite them to join my friends and myself. That rarely happens anymore, but I'll continue the story.

      I hated the bullying, and my closest friend would stick with me an defend me (I wasn't the best at defence then). I tried to befriend the bully, but my plan backfired. Some of my friends refused to hang out with me because I tried to turn the bully into a friend. When I told my friends I was trying to befriend the bully, they promptly left the lunch table in search of one far from me. Guess they forgot the Golden Rule (which I was trying to use on the bully), 'Treat others as you want to be treated'.

      Later that year, the bully left the school, and all returned to normal (not PTSD yet, that comes at the second school). There were other incidents that made me lose confidence, and started what I call, 'Micah's Do Everything As Quick As You Can' problem. I wasn't supposed to have homework (special exemption because homework is too stressful for me, along with Roman Numerals, had an exemption for those, too), yet I would still get given homework. Then I would get in trouble for doing the homework as quickly as I could while getting ready to go home.

      And there is the explanation for why I always do things so quickly. I've been told to slow down while working, while I'm walking (I occasionally will talk faster, but not often), typing something up, reading, pretty much for whatever I'm doing, I do quickly. But not around horses (unless I'm late, but that's different), horses always manage to keep me going at the perfect pace.

      Around a year or at the same time PTSD was starting up: This is about how I was betrayed by many people all in the same few years (rough estimate, not sure which of these friendship/trust betrayals came first). I'll start with the first betrayal, it was on of my closest friends at the second school,  we'll call them... Yeah, I don't know what name I should give them, so each person will be Traitor then a number.

      So, this is the story of the first betrayal by Traitor 1, Traitor 1 quickly befriended me. They weren't as popular as the other kids, but then again, I wasn't really either. We got along well, and after a few months, they started up with lies. They would lie about things, if I said I had something, they had it, but then their sibling accidentally ruined it, so it got thrown out. Then lying about loving the same things I did, things like horses, wolves, movies, books, etc.

      Then one day, I walked over to say hi, and I was ignored. When they finally decided to talk to me, all they told me was that we weren't friends anymore, and that I wasn't allowed to hang out with them anymore. Feeling rejected and used (and I had been used, trust me), I searched for a new group of friends. And I found a new group in mere minutes, and it was great! They were a diverse group, and they all got along so well!

       Then Traitor 1 decided I was allowed to hang out with them and be their friend again, and I fell for it. The next day, the same thing happened, I got rejected. I fell for that a few more times, then I finally realized what was happening after being told by my closest friend in the new group. My new closest friend and I were a grade older than the rest of the group, and both suffered a harsh rejection. The rest of the group said it was for our own good, as we wouldn't be having the same recess anymore. It wasn't fun being kicked out of the only group that would accept the two of us, so you can probably figure out how I felt, being rejected again.

       Neither of us were happy, and we ended up hanging out alone with each other, as it seemed we would always be rejected. We became such close friends, and it was amazing! Neither of us ever rejected each other or used the other, and this was my first friend that invited me over to their house! That had never happened before, so I could tell we were true friends. Then PTSD happened, and I avoided school and we didn't really see each other anymore.

      Probably the summer after I left the second school: Enter Traitors 2, 3, 4, and 5. We were a tight group of friends, and we hung out nearly every day (we lived close enough for this to be possible), but none of us really went to the same school. Later they all ended up at the same school, but that's a different story for another day. Traitor 2 betrayed me first, bullying me and excluding me. Then Traitor 2 got one of the others to join him, hence the name Traitor 3 (Traitor 3 is now one of my closest friends, and told me they're side of the story, they were being by Traitor 2 also, but they thought if they copied Traitor 2, they would be safe).

        It was horrible, but I slowly adapted to leaving and just sitting on my front lawn crying. Later, Traitor 4 entered the picture. Traitor 4 was worse than Traitor 2 and Traitor 3 combined, so I was having a hard time adapting, the one other member of the group who got bullied like me would always leave with me. Soon, I got the harshest yelling at I had ever received. I went to visit my mom and dog, who were down at my house. Traitor 4 didn't know why I was walking away (I knew they wouldn't want to come with me), so apparently I "abandoned them" by going to say hi to my mom and dog. I mean, seriously? If you saw your mom and dog going out for a walk, would you not go over, say hi, and pet your dog?

       Yeah, I refused to hang out with Traitor 2 and 4, as Traitor 3 was quite nice when the others weren't around. Traitor 3 soon got tired of being pushed around, and joined me also. The remaining three of us got along just fine, until Traitor 5 began to emerge (see the pattern yet?). Traitor 5 decided to only care about their looks and status at school, so the group was reduced to two members.

      Traitor 3 was no longer Traitor 3, and we were such close friends. Traitor 1 was calling my house a lot, but I never picked up the phone, never fell for those tricks again, and I was safe, for a little bit. Traitor 4 was now continually coming to see if I wanted to hang out, and my friend and I would fall for the tricks. Constantly yelled at and used, I'd had enough of this. I came up with a great strategy, and I no longer worry about Traitor 4 coming to see me. I would always pretend to be busy, and it worked. You'd think they would notice that I was always busy when they came to visit, and would have to leave when they came and the one person and I were out.

      Thus marks the end of the Traitors, and as Traitor 3 was now a close friend, we still hang out even now. I will never forget these moments, and combined with the teacher that gave me PTSD, I'd say my trust would be super super hard to earn. Even now, my secrets rarely get told, these memories locked in my mind, trying to get out. This is the day those memories finally get set free, even if I'm not really speaking them to my friends, this is the best I can give them, unless they ask me about this, then they probably will get more information out of me. Here's the perfect song for this post, pretty much about finally telling your secrets and your past, Secrets by OneRepublic.

      PS: Sorry this post was so long, but it was needed.

The Rules I Follow

      My mom and I had an argument recently, she wanted to add new rules to the house. I quickly disagreed, and that was mainly because my brain likes to make up rules without consulting me. Trust me, my brain really likes to do things without making sure it's allowed to. My mom and I had gone shopping, and she had bought a cupcake for me. Next thing I know, my brain made a parody of 'The Monster' by Eminem and Rihanna, and then my brain made the lyrics 'I'm friends with the cupcake that's in my hand'. 

      So as you can tell, my mind and I don't always get along very well. But the rules my brain makes up are even worse than a parody about cupcakes. I follow such silly rules, but even if I didn't want to follow them, I would still end up following them. I'll tell you a few of the rules I follow, because if I wrote them all, it would fill this whole post.

      1. Wash your hands after eating anything with common allergens in it and stuff like that   2. If you see a spider, stay away from the spot where it was for at least two days   3. Try to always use even numbers, unless you're walking/running/horseback riding   4. Always follow the preset patterns and routines that your mind makes up, don't change them, ever   5. Keep your secrets for as long as possible, there's always people out there who are just fake friends   6. Trust is the hardest thing to gain, so don't give out trust until you've known the person for at least a year, then you are permitted to reveal your own past

      An those are six of my many rules, but I've saved one of my important ones. Why? Because it needs a whole paragraph to be explained. If you don't want to do something because it scares you or you know you can't do it, follow the Micah rules of Fight or Flight. You can either pretend to be sick and go home, or start arguing and insulting to hide how you really feel and make the other person so mad that they leave. Also, if a car or something is coming fast toward you, stop right where you are and quickly figure out what to do.

      See why I don't always trust my brain? It's not always reliable in situations, and it makes it nearly impossible to trust someone. Some of the people I trust the most still don't know my complete past, unless they were one of the few who was actually there during those bits. And you know what? I'm writing another post about me not revealing my whole past to people, and I'll even reveal it there (if I can...).

      So, I hope you understand me a bit more now, and I hope my mom reads the one paragraph that's two up, one of the most important rules. Mainly because my mom got arguing bit of that one, and I think she's upset and doesn't understand my actions. It's mainly because I've had my trust broken so much that it's hard to trust again. Here's the link to the song, Hercules by Sara Bareilles.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Far From Fine

      Sorry again about skipping last week's post, I seem to be getting more and more stressed out. I came up with the title for the post because it's how I've been feeling lately, far from fine. Whenever people ask me how I'm feeling, I pretty much always say "good" or "fine". That's what I always tell people, that I'm fine, but I only do it because I'm afraid of admitting the truth about how I'm feeling. If I told people I was stressed, they may not believe me, or laugh at me. I also don't like talking about how I'm feeling, it's just to hard to actually say how I'm feeling.

      My parents think I hate them, but I really don't. They think I hate them because I was really stressed out and I took it out on them. I yelled insults at them and refused to do anything that I was asked. I'm not very proud of that moment, and I really don't want it to happen again. I really don't hate them, it's just that stress will change my reactions to things.

      A few nights ago, I got blamed for something I didn't do, and that caused a LOT of stress. My mom accidentally spilled tea all over herself, and since I was the only person standing up and not sitting on the couch, my Dad blamed me. It made me really upset because he pretty much yelled at me "What did you do?!". I then quickly left the room and refused to speak for two and a half hours. I ended up crying three times in less than ten minutes, so I really didn't like that.

      The next day, I wasn't feeling well. I think that I was so stressed that I ended up making myself sick. I was so sick that I didn't eat my lunch until two-thirty, and all I had was a small bowl of rice and a small bowl of soup. The dinner I had wasn't very different, a bowl of soup and a strawberry milkshake.

      Today I'm still not feeling well, and I have to miss my riding lesson, but I still get to see Winter on Thursday at least. Also, I will be going into my third type of therapy next week! I will be doing equine therapy, but I will be doing ground work with the horses! I may be doing some liberty training but I'm not sure, but I really want to! Here are links for the place, Horse Spirit Connections Video, Horse Spirit Connections Webpage.

      Also, I forgot to mention the biggest news EVER!!!!!! This Wednesday (aka: tomorrow), I will be getting my hair dyed! I'm getting one colored streak, probably a red, green, or blue, and I'm really excited! I'll have to get my hair bleached if I want the color, but it's only one tiny streak, so I don't mind! My Mom doesn't mind either, when she was younger, she also dyed her hair, too! So yeah, I'm really excited for that! And that's it for this week's post, so here come's this week's song link, Flaws by Bastille.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Horses Are Like Mirrors

      I found an amazing quote earlier this week, and I've been thinking about it since I found it. "The horse is a mirror to the soul. Sometimes you might not like what you see. Sometimes you will." It was written by Buck Brannaman. It has me constantly thinking about Winter's personality and how he acts. This is the list I came up with about Winter.

      Winter is very loyal to his friends and those he trusts. Winter tries his hardest, even when he knows he can't do what he's been asked to do. Winter likes to see what he can get away with doing, he usually does little things to see if it works. Winter knows how to distract people from their stress, and how to cheer them up. If the horse is a mirror to the soul, Winter is a near perfect replica. He just doesn't go through the pain that I have, or experienced the trauma I have. That I know of, who knows what happened to Winter before he came to the barn.

      Winter is an amazing horse, and I am amazed at how he mirrors me. I have never had a closer bond with a horse, Winter is the first horse I have ever had this great of a connection with. He even doesn't mind when I put a bright colored fly-veil on his head. Speaking of which, my riding instructor, Linda, took a great picture of him, so here it is.

That's all for this post, and I'll hopefully post again next week. Here's the link for this week's song, Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson    The link is between the comma and this sentence, still haven't figured out how to get the link to show up.

No Pain No Gain

      I'm sure you've heard the saying 'No pain no gain'. I find that this saying is completely untrue. I say this because after all the pain I've gone through, the only thing I gained was more pain and trust issues. Yeah, trust issues, it's made me super suspicious of people I don't know or people I barely know. That's probably why I've dropped out of Music Therapy and Art Therapy. I guess I was suspicious of the therapists and didn't realize it, and I guess if I'm suspicious/stressed I'm not able to function properly.

     One day, I was crossing the parking lot at a grocery store, and this car came barreling at my mom and myself. My mom quickly walked into the middle of the road, and I froze right where I was. I was in a different lane than the speeding car, but there was a car going slower in the lane I was standing in. My mom ended up having to pull me beside her in the middle area between the lanes. Then I had to explain to my mom why I reacted like that.

      I have a few different reactions to things that stress me out or are suspicious, 1) I stop what I'm doing, and don't move or talk until I'm sure I'm safe 2) I speed-walk away (this mainly happens when crossing roads/parking lots) 3) I will repeatedly say 'no', and eventually start yelling 'no', then will probably end up crying later 4) Continue what I'm doing, but don't speak and keep movements as quiet as possible. 5) Start crying, and quickly hide face or walk to my room (I don't like it when people see me crying). I mainly use reaction 4 at school, but it sometimes happens at other places. Reaction 3 primarily is me yelling 'no' at my mom because I'm stressed. Reaction 5 always happens at home, never out in public. Reaction 2 is when I'm walking with my mom or crossing busy roads/parking lots. Reaction 1 is rarely used, and is mainly used when someone I don't want to talk to starts talking to me (I will always be sitting during this reaction).

      All of those reactions get used, some more than often, but they always come out when I need them, even if I don't want them. My friends that I've made have gone through the long periods of me figuring out if they're trustworthy, and those that get my full trust know pretty much everything about me. I only have 2-3 friends like that, they probably know who they are if they're reading this. But even now, my trust is really hard to earn. For some reason, I'm having even more trouble trusting people, but I never have problems trusting most animals.

      I'm going to write a second post for today, and so sorry about being so late with the posts, very bad weeks. The second post will be up soon, and here's your song for this week,  Demons by Imagine Dragons.


Monday, 10 February 2014

Winter Week

       This week was definitely better than last week, but still not one of my better weeks. I can't think of much that's happened this week, so I'm going to write a special post. This post is going to be about a friend, that if he was a human, I'm sure he would be a therapist or psychologist. So, here is this week's post about an amazing horse named Winter. 

      When I first got horseback riding lessons at my current barn, Winter was the second or third horse I rode. Winter quickly became my favorite horse, and he did anything I asked him to. Unless he was in a silly mood, which he still does sometimes, and he sees what he can get away with. One day, I was doing some jumping, and my current riding instructor (she wasn't my instructor before), set the jump to a different height and different type of jump, not realizing I was still using the jump. 

      I thought that Winter and I were allowed to go over the jump, so we went to the jump. I now know that a vertical (the type of jump set up) should be approached in canter, not trot. We weren't going fast enough to clear the jump, but Winter still jumped over for me! I stayed on him, but the pole fell down to the ground. It was fun, that's one of the good memories I have of jumping.

      Later that summer, I fell off a horse for the first time. I had been riding the tallest school horse, Ben. Ben had tripped, and I had fallen off, and then Ben walked over to me. Ben just stood there sniffing me and nudging me with his nose. I got up, then I got back on and continued to ride Ben for the rest of the lesson.

      Ben had become my favorite, and Winter didn't seem to mind being the second favorite. Then, a few months later, I got assigned a new horse, Vincent. I hated Vincent at first, but that's probably because he accidentally stepped on the jump because we approached it too slowly. About five months later, I rode Vincent again, and he quickly became my favorite horse. 

      Winter was not happy that he was my third favorite, so he tried to get my attention by misbehaving and seeing what he could get away with. I had thought he was just being annoying because he didn't like that Vincent was my favorite, but now I realize he was just trying to get me to want to work with him so he could be my favorite again.

      Winter's plan had backfired, I had started to hate him. Whenever I got assigned him, I would ask my riding instructor if I was allowed to see if anyone wanted to trade horses. Usually, no was the answer to my question, but occasionally I got a yes. 

      A few months later, Winter had seemed to have given up on his plan, and I got a good lesson. Winter quickly became my second favorite horse after that day, and he started to behave again. I soon tried to get a one day lease on Vincent (paying a tiny bit extra to be promised the horse of your choice each lesson), but wasn't able to because Vincent was too popular. I decided to see about leasing Winter, and I was allowed to because he wasn't very popular.

      When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I found myself getting distracted during my riding lessons. Winter also noticed this, so he would pull little tricks to get my attention. Winter is very good at distracting me from my stress now, and I rarely lose my focus on Winter anymore. If I lose my concentration because I get distracted by stress, Winter is always there to get my attention back.

      I recently discovered Winter knows how to do a trick where he lifts his front leg up, and lowers his head to touch his knee. It looks like he's bowing, and it's very fun to try to get him to do the trick. I had thought it may be something he already been taught, but now I'm thinking it's another way to help me concentrate. If my idea is correct, horses do understand English (which I already believe they do), and they know how to distract us from stress and pain.

      To conclude this blog post, I would like to thank Winter for being the best therapist I have ever known. And I would like to thank my riding instructor for teaching me so much about horseback riding. Thanks to all the horses and amazing people at the riding stable, and thank you to Winter for being the best horse in the world. Also, here's this week's song People Like Us by Kelly Clarkson.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Another Bad Week

      Last week was not one of my better weeks, it was one of my worst weeks. I haven't had a week that bad since these problems started, so I'm upset about that. The week started out pretty good, I was excited because my first post got 250 views. I even had people viewing this blog from Australia, Laos, Canada, and the United States of America. I'll start telling you about why my week was so bad, so here's this week's post.

      This week started to get bad on Tuesday, the day of my music therapy. I was almost too stressed out to go, but I made it there. When it was time to get out of the car, I couldn't because the stress got worse. The music therapist came to the car, and I sat perfectly still and didn't respond once, except for when my neck did a twitch, and I didn't do that on purpose.

      After the music therapist left, I did something I haven't done in probably more then three years. I cried in public, and I cried in front of a person. Whenever I've had to cry, it's always been at home, and I stay in my room and hide my face. I've never liked crying in public, but on Tuesday, I cried for three hours in public. I was very unimpressed with myself, but I had known the tears were coming. I had wanted to cry for days, but I couldn't, so I ended up finally crying in front of my mom while she was driving.

      The week still wasn't very good after that, my parents and I argued quite a bit. My mom got annoyed with my attitude (I was being annoying, angry, and wouldn't leave the house because I was stressed), and she told me that she would force me to go to school if I wouldn't leave the house. That just made things worse, and she finally apologized to me hours later. Then my mom argued with me again later that night and the next day. Have I mentioned that I really don't like arguing?

      There was one really good thing that happened during my week, I found a new show that's better than my favorite show! My favorite show was Doctor Who, now I prefer this cool crime drama called Lie To Me. It's about a man named Cal who can tell if someone is lying by their body language, facial expression, and voice. He even managed to figure out what a man was trying to say when he could only move his eyes because he was paralyzed.

      The show Lie To Me has now helped me figure out what job I want to do when I'm older. I was thinking of being an Equine Massage Therapist, not anymore, then I thought being a Data Analyst for the police could be cool (that idea was inspired by a cool app for iPad/iPhone called Cause Of Death), and now, I will be a human lie detector/psychologist! Yeah, human lie detector just sounds a lot cooler, plus, I read that if I joined the police I might have to relocate to anywhere in Ontario (I don't trust airplanes and don't want to move).

      The rest of my week was filled with arguing, stress, anxiety, and attempting to write more books. That's right, I'm writing two more books, now I have over twenty unfinished books to write! Mainly because I have writer's block again... Yeah, I get writer's block a lot, I haven't finished one book, but almost managed to finish a book.
      I'm a little sad about one other thing, though, my friend emailed me a week or two ago, and I replied to it, but she hasn't replied yet and hasn't Facebook messaged me either lately. I'm thinking she may be giving up on me, so if she's reading this, I hope this inspires to remember that I'm still trying to get back to school. Hmm, I guess I could send this to her over Facebook and ask my other friend that goes to school with her to show her this.

      Now, we get closer to the end of my week, I'll tell you about my Saturday. I had singing lessons, they went really well. My music teacher has me learning a new song, and it's now my favorite song. It describes how I've been feeling this week, so I'll post the link at the end of my blog, just like usual. But yes, singing lessons are going very well, I'm singing loudly again (I was too quiet again...), and I'm learning a ton of songs I like.

      Sunday, the day where I accidentally stressed myself out over a friend's party. I had been invited to a friend's party, they were going trampolining, and I was excited to go. Then, on the day of the party, I started thinking about how I'd only know one person going to the party. Then I got so stressed that I couldn't go, then I got invited to another friend's party, so I said no thanks so we didn't have repeat of this accidental stress moment.

      So to recap, one of my worst weeks, and thinking about stress causes stress, so, don't copy me and get even more stressed out. Maybe next week will be better, sorry for the late post, stress and not knowing the password to the computer (it was logged off). So here's the link to this week's song, Human by Christina Perri. Now I'm off to watch more Lie To Me, I'll post again next week.

Monday, 27 January 2014

How This All Started

      Well, this is my new blog. This blog is going to be explaining what I've gone through and what I'm currently going through. I guess this first post will be to explain how I got my PTSD. If you don't know what PTSD is, it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here's my story, so I now explain what happened to me two years ago.

      I had just been starting my grade six year, and I had met the teacher once. He liked to use a lot of sarcasm, and I don't understand sarcasm very much. I would always meet my teacher before I started school so I could be prepared, this was mainly because I have autism and like to be prepared (for more info on autism and my family check out Tales From An Autism Family, it's my mom's blog).
      My first week of school went okay, but I was having some problems with math. Wait, scratch that, I was getting D's and F's and on my progress report, the teacher gave me A's and B's! Soon, school got worse for me. I was too stressed and anxious, a little bit scared of my teacher, and really upset with my grades. I was avoiding school, and I was only doing school work that got sent home. My parents and my consultant ended up scheduling a meeting with my teacher and principal, and it went very badly!
      At the meeting, the teacher insulted me, claiming that I had insulted him! All that I had said was that I didn't like school, and a lot of kids tell their teachers they don't like school! This teacher made me upset a lot, and my stress was just getting worse and worse. Then, finally, in the January of that year, my parents took me out of the school and temporarily enrolled me in the other school for the district we were in. I forgot to say that I was in a Catholic School (I'm not Catholic!) and then got pulled out and put into a public school.

      I got home instruction, and this worked well for the rest of the year. I got my new placement for the next year of school, I was getting a placement in an autism class at a different school. I was very happy because this school was next to a horse farm (did I forget to mention horses are my FAVORITE animal?)! I visited the school, met the teachers, and was impressed.

      The year went pretty well, but I avoided school for a few days in November, then went back to going to school again. I survived the school year, and had a great summer! I volunteered at the riding stable I go to, went to an acting camp, and went to two weeks of riding camp! Then I started school.

      School went well, and I even went on vacation in November. Then I got back, and started avoiding school. Went back to school for the last week of December before Christmas break. Soon, it was time to go back to school again, but I avoided because I couldn't get to school because of my stress. One day, I had a really bad dream. I dreamed that my old teacher came back, kicked out my teachers, kicked all my friends out of school, and made me do work that was way too hard for me.
      My mom realized that I probably have PTSD, and she had me go over some checklists. I checked yes to most of the questions, and my mom took them to the doctor. I was then diagnosed with PTSD, and promptly told my two best friends from school. The same two I dreamed got kicked out of school by my old evil teacher.
      Ever since these incidents, my life's been a struggle, but my friends, family, and my favorite horse Winter are always there helping me along. I just want  to thank all of them for being there and helping, they are such big parts of my life now. And now, to end this first post for my blog, I'm going to start a tradition for my blog. I'm going to post a music video for how I've been feeling throughout the week of writing these posts. So here's the link for this week's song, Lights by Ellie Goulding.